Alfie 12:43 Sat Nov 9
Signs of ageing
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Swallowing is harder
Pissing takes longer
You notice women ignore you - there are no second glances
Ears ring after previously inoffensive noise levels
Words are harder to catch
You look at young people & realise what you have lost / once had
You wonder if your missus sees the decline you do
You look at your gut more in the mirror. Quickly and only see thr edges
Old trousers fail to fit
You need to wear a scarf and big coat in the cold then remember how you didnt give a fuck about cold when young
You tell younger people to put on coats when its cold
Your tooth gets sweeter
Current music sounds shit / winds you up
When pissing or shitting - the finish marker has got a bit blurry and ill disciplined
Sometimes in the morning you feel hungover when you havent had a drink
You think of bed with the same relish you once thought of fucking / fighting / drinking / wanking / going football
You watch old episodes of top of the pops
Youve still got tapes somewhere
You used to be a raver but no fucker can visualise it
You prefer sitting down
You do not know where to get fashionable drugs
You look in desperation for seats on the train and get the ump if there are none
Your arms dont work how they used to
You realise that collectively all of these things are happening because you have less life left than youve lived
Your chin gets chubbier & less defined
If they have not left you already - you begin to think about what it must be like when your old man or mum go outers
You start sizing up other people your age for signs of age / decreptitude and either feel better or worse for it accordingly
You notice the seasons more
Your dreams are weirder
People who piss you off are told / ignored / fucked off because you realise one day youll be a long time dead & are too old to go chasing bods / women / family / cunts
This makes you feel free'r & in control - although in the back of your mind you know youve begun the long inexorable slide towards being dead - forever.
You think about your pension & realise it will buy a sausage roll and bag of crisps and that you might need to work until you are dead and bleeding from the gums.
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Replies - Newest Posts First ( Show In Chronological Order)
Northern Sold
11:46 Fri Nov 15
Re: Signs of ageing
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Listening to old man Gold this morning talking about VAR
"I don't think the refs should get involved... they will be puffed out having to run the length of the pitch to look at a monitor"
Stupid old senile cunt
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Joe C
11:18 Fri Nov 15
Re: Signs of ageing
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Getting an allotment
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Bungo
10:12 Fri Nov 15
Re: Signs of ageing
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I seem to be on the target list for the 'would you like to pay for your funeral in advance?' direct mailers now.
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Alan Alan Devonshire
9:13 Fri Nov 15
Re: Signs of ageing
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Sadly, I recognise a lot of these. Here's another I had as someone in their mid 50s. Being asked by the barber when paying if you have the OAP rate!
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Hello Mrs. Jones
10:46 Thu Nov 14
Re: Signs of ageing
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Knee is fucked. Going for an MRI tomorrow. Looks like a torn meniscus. Fucking agony!!
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Peckham
10:27 Thu Nov 14
Re: Signs of ageing
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You destroy a clubs 120 year history, piss off 1000s of its fan base, dress like a cunt and Russian Czar, employ a bird with big tits you have known for years to run your new vanity project and get your kid running things. Finally not giving a fuck about any of the above. Ageing indecently.
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Peckham
10:13 Thu Nov 14
Re: Signs of ageing
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You used to be a raver but no fucker can visualise it. So true.
hahaha.
The most bravest thing you have done , brilliant Alfie, the MacDonalds show down. His eyes were the colour of Ed Sheerans hair or a tramps fingers. Along with all nuggetted up. Cracked me up. Thank you.
COYIs.
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BRANDED
8:27 Wed Nov 13
Re: Signs of ageing
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You shit in the bath? You filthy filthy cunt.
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Far Cough
7:43 Wed Nov 13
Re: Signs of ageing
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Your ballbag gets wet when you take a shit
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kylay
7:16 Wed Nov 13
Re: Signs of ageing
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I'm 40 and too much of this resonates.
Women never really looked at me though.
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Helmut Shown
5:49 Wed Nov 13
Re: Signs of ageing
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No matter how many times you hitch up your trousers you are always showing two inches of bumcrack
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riosleftsock
2:45 Wed Nov 13
Re: Signs of ageing
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MiM, that's true. I was watching some old films from early last century interviewing people in their 80s, 90s and 100s. The link led me to loads and loads more.
I reckon this report of people living longer is absolute bollocks. Just a statistical anomaly.
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BRANDED
2:31 Wed Nov 13
Re: Signs of ageing
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Yes, the decline of child mortality matters a lot for the increase of life expectancy. But as this chart shows, there is much more to it.
Child mortality is defined as the number of children dying before their 5th birthday. To see how life expectancy has improved without taking child mortality into account we therefore have to look at the prospects of a child who just survived their 5th birthday: in 1841 a 5-year old could expect to live 55 years. Today a 5-year old can expect to live 82 years. An increase of 27 years.
At higher ages mortality patterns have also changed. A 50-year old could once expect to live an additional twenty years. Today the life expectancy of a 50-year old has increased to an additional 33 years.
https://ourworldindata.org/life-expectancy
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Nagel
2:14 Wed Nov 13
Re: Signs of ageing
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mashed in maryland 12:28 Wed Nov 13
I always find it weird when people misinterpret life expectancy as if most died of old age in their 40s/50s before modern times.
Even the bible had it that our time on earth is 70-80 years, in a psalm allegedly written around 1500 BC:
"The days of our years are three score years and ten;
and if by reason of strength they be fourscore years,
yet is their strength labour and sorrow;
for it is soon cut off, and we fly away."
Mind you, the bible also has someone living up to the age of 969 so maybe that's not the best source of information.
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BRANDED
1:42 Wed Nov 13
Re: Signs of ageing
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Getting fuck loads of direct mail on how to spend your savings and pension.
Getting inundated with fine wine, classic car and five star holiday marketing.
Getting Tory literature and activists at your door in the assumption you'd care.
Buying certain expensive clothing brands that you'd have been unable to afford or were too sensible to buy when younger.
Buying more expensive cheese because you like the taste more.
Home brewing double dry hopped east coast IPAs in nice shiny stainless steel conical fermenters imported from Oregon but made in China and putting them into the regional home brew competition in Hoxton.
Always reminding younger people how lucky we were when we were younger and how awful it must be for them now.
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mashed in maryland
12:28 Wed Nov 13
Re: Signs of ageing
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Not strictly true. Most people died only a little younger than they do today, just infant mortality and disease brought the average down.
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gph
11:59 Tue Nov 12
Re: Signs of ageing
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14th century middle-age depended on your class much more.
Lots of nobs made to to 60+.
Very few others did.
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Nurse Ratched
11:48 Tue Nov 12
Re: Signs of ageing
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Are you lot middle aged in the 14th century??
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arsene york-hunt
11:48 Tue Nov 12
Re: Signs of ageing
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When you watch a film or tV programme when you know you have already seen it but can remember fuck all abour it.
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eusebiovic
11:44 Tue Nov 12
Re: Signs of ageing
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When taking a shit you need a chewtoy or something to bite down on like an old barbers leather strap...
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Gavros
9:42 Tue Nov 12
Re: Signs of ageing
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There is Nurse. Its called www.westhamonline.net
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